WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE!!!!!

You have no idea how I feel right now. Confused between am I doing the right thing and  is this what I actually want, trying to keep myself as composed as possible, taking in the situation- which is the totally opposite from what and where I used to be. I get it now. I cannot unite with the surrounding situation and with everyone else.

I have problems. Yes. I too know others have problems. Well, in fact I think my problem as a terminal illness. I don’t wish to elaborate more on that. However I try or others try, it just makes matter’s worse. I could control it, but then… I simply don’t know how to describe.  It’s better off not known. 

Being in college was supposed to be fun. It is, I admit that. But only to an extend where I don’t think I’m leading my own life. More like a puppet’s. I try my best at getting used to the surrounding but when I do, I never feel comfortable, there’s guilt. Guilt in which the things I never used to think twice about. Now sitting here, facing the computer makes me wonder did I actually choose my path? Is this what I wanted?

I’m gifted. In many ways others could not have imagined. I’ll possibly get over this after a while, but I just won’t be the same person anymore. Well, at least not the health one I used to be. I’d be more of a tape recorder which the coils have been pulled out of their sockets and is unable to get repaired again. I don’t want that. Never, but I don’t think I have a choice either.

#sad song playing in the room beside me. I hate that because its altering my mood right now.#

I talk in riddles, well here’s one thing I wish to spill out. I HATE THESE BLOODY SCHOLARSHIPS. They’re prejudiced. There’s not much of a choice and I just don’t get the point in getting straight As  in SPM now. I have enough stress in college, I don’t want to think about the lack of one A+ all the time people ask me why I didn’t apply for scholarship. Well, tell me which BLODDY SCHOLARSHIP GIVES MEDIC TO INDIANS?! Then I’ll definitely put an effort. Just don’t come to me asking me to go searching. I have much better things to do. < ---- which is what I haven’t had the time to figure out.

I’m most probably rattling my brain for a sad excuse to blog because of the incident that happened today. I left my id card in my bag and therefore tried forging into the dorm by using my friend’s id. Well, unfortunately.. (didn’t I tell ya before luck never sides me?) I was found out. I don’t mind that because it happens to college students.. this mischief is what makes things going but the part where the guard said she didn’t like people forging ids… I was pissed. I didn’t even bother looking at her face. C’mon man. Be realistic. I saw her letting the seniors in and out of the dorm.. SHE DOES THAT TO ALL THE MALAYS.( no offence.. well heck. I don’t care if you do either). AND TELL ME, WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY THAT TO A FRESHMAN LIKE ME?!

                                                                                                                                #going crazy and really confused#

Making choices

Why can’t i make a simple choice?
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The throbbing head and hammering questions lingering in my head makes me wanna’ puke at myself. Am i that undecidable? What do i actually want in my life? sighs*.. TT.TT if you ask me, making a choice could be my worst nightmare- sometimes. It’s as if you know it would turn out right, but what if.. WHAT IF... things turn out sour? Will i be able to handle it? Am i that interested in the career that i’d be willing to preevere?

*tears accumulating*

 i feel absolutely useless. Why did god have to create a human being so perfect (in the sense of no terminating disease or handicapped) and present a puzzle together? I mean, what’s so hard in choosing what you like to do? Look... this is why i feel i can’t decide. I love to write... but the thing is, when i see or read novels and WATTPAD, i feel there are much more people who are potential writers and i feel.. well, kind of insecure (if you know what i mean) i feel i might not stand a chance against them.. i’m definitely not optimistic, the way i express my inner feelings towards myself, neither am i completely pessimistic; because i don’t give up entirely. This is where the trouble begins, i’m captured between the two... trying to make decisions and trying  to judge.

 MY LIFE’S COMPLICATED AND I’M MUCH MORE COMPLICATED. 

You know why when i grow up i would like to have a room to which i could stare up to the empty sky wonder in the galaxy of stars? Yeah, to reflect on my decisions and whatever i’m facing. I feel staring up at the stars could make me a bit relaxed and self-appreciative.

 *crying*(don’t mind me- though there might not be anyone reading this)

 self- appreciative? Wait a sec. Who am i kidding?! I could be the uttermost timid person on earth!!!  I'm incapable of getting my confidence right. I know it doesn't make sense, but alas, my life doesn’t, i don’t.. why should what i say make sense?.. forget what i just crapped. i’m already screwed up anyway. I often find myself comparing to others and i don’t know what i want. I‘m a ship sailing without proper navigation. I’m useless in the' courage the cowardly dog' show.

 I’m everything but what you know me of. I’m an actress when it comes to communicating with people. I’m fake. I’m even unsure of what i am!!!

 #sad sad story of a girl#

cocky posts and counts

i've just checked in my facebook account . the most resilient social web. guess what? i deserve a break LAH. according to my chemistry tuition teacher, you need a break or else your performance would drop..... sorry this post was supposed to be long long back..but since i just opened my blog,you see... i have to post it now.